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5/28/13

2 Alternative Endings to Smash Involving Daphne Rubin-Vega that are Better than Whatever the Hell that was


The season finale of the greatest/terrible/campy/irritating/love to hate-watch Smash was...yeah. Sorry, but sitting through that two-hour character rehabilitation therapy (kind of) was ulcer-inducing (and that is really saying something). But in honor of the show's greatest character - Daphne Rubin-Vega's Agnes, the impeccably-dressed, "Do I really have to deal with this s%$; whatevs, I'm fierce" PR/Communications Savant (and my future self, I hope) - I give you several alternative, glorious endings with Agnes being her whirling dervish of "air snaps in a 'Z' formation" awesome.

Note the leopard print. Just saying.
Hit List Takes the Top Prize - So, Hit List is supposedly the greatest thing since the discovery of America or something. Given one of its creator's unfortunate passing and Smash's other discreet allusions to a certain, ground-breaking rock musical of the mid-90's - not mentioning names, but it rhymes with Bent (and Cent and Tent and Lent) - then Hit List taking Best Musical is somewhat plausible. But oh, Agnes cannot have that now. That is why she has a contingency plan...she noticed that all of that wax and lacquer (and gaudiness) of the new Hit List set is one concentrated place of flammability. So during the first post-Tonys performance, Agnes will teleport to the wings of the stage and set the ropes of Cirque de Krysta Red-Headed Bitch on fire like a phoenix risen from the ashes. And when that flaming bird of a show comes crashing down, that stage will be engulfed in flames a la the set of the never-happened Rebecca. As the building comes crumbling down and a bunch of screaming audience members evacuate, we see Agnes, in a hoodie she stole, let the hem out of her skirt before stomp-walking through the madness. She removes the hood of the hoodie with a perfect hair toss, so perfect, it fans the fire even more. She will then walk down the street to the press conference she arranged without questioning and even though she is not the press representative for Hit List, she will say that the fire was caused by Jimmy's drug addiction. After expressing her condolences and shamelessly-plugging Bombshell 17 times in one minute, she'll toss her hair again and knock the reporters off balance. In the confusion and toppling over, she will vacate the podium and climb up the rope to her conveniently placed helicopter and fly off to her condo in Boca. As one does.

Emergency Not-Magical Ivy Baby - Because Smash follows a coherent timeline and pacing  - you know, one-and-a-half seasons to transfer Bombshell to Broadway and about one episode for Hit List - by the time the series finale comes around, Ivy could have been a week away from her due date despite only knowing about her pregnancy for a week or so. Because that makes sense. And while Bombshell is performing one of their numbers at the Tonys, Ivy's water breaks, causing millions of shocked reactions and gasps across the world. But oh, Agnes has a solution for that. She will leap up from her front row seat - which she got because she got drunk and made out with Jordan Roth the week before at the annual party at Shubert Headquarters - and deliver the baby right then and there. Because that is not press-worthy enough, she will then lead the cast with a rousing rendition of The Lion King's "The Circle of Life," iconic image and all. The camera pans to a miffed Julie Taymor and she mouths the words "fu** you" to Agnes because Taymor is still pissed that she squandered her dreams of mounting the sequel to Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, appropriately called Spiderman: Turn the Light Back On Because I Won the Lawsuit. The scene will end with Agnes and the newborn, bloody baby, mounting a giraffe that just happens to be there for no reason, and busting down a wall at Radio City yelling, "EAT IT, BITCHES." She will then do what anyone else would do after giving birth to Ivy's baby, mounting a giraffe and bursting out of Radio City Music Hall...call the New York Times on speedial and give them an exclusive. And she'll make sure to remind them, yet again, that Julie Taymor is still not taking her ADHD meds and that Jordan Roth's pining for her post-makeout sesh is strictly friends with benefits. You know...just another day in the life of Agnes.


Photo Credit: Smash

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