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3/28/13

At This Performance, the Role of Hardbody will Be Played By...

If I were Hands on a Hardbody, I would be celebrating at any juncture possible. With Cinderella, for some bizarre reason, falling into the revival category, its Tony nomination for Best Musical is a virtual lock and it may just ride out its mixed-to-positive reviews for a decent run into the summer months.

But just in case they need some creative ideas to up the fun quotient and lure more of a crowd, the Internet has conjured up a fun meme. Basically, replace the hardbody car used on stage with the hardbody of an actual person, preferably of the stud-status kind. And hey, I see no objections and despite my distaste for the show, this is an idea I can sign off on 1000%. With that, I give you some favorable-bodied men that would be worth keeping my hands on, only to ride off on him with him into the Texas sunset.

Cheyenne Jackson

Aww, cheer up buddy. The Performers may have closed after being open for only eight minutes, but your rocking physique drew orgasms amongst women and gay men (and rightly so). While it may not garner Cheyenne his long overdue Tony nomination, I imagine his debut as the resident hardbody would get raves everywhere. Plus, given that he played Rocky Horror in The Rocky Horror Picture Show revival, looking hot and remaining sort-of still just so happens to be a multitask he has performed before. If he happens to wear the gold lame briefs, I would even enter the competition myself...bring it, the eff, on Hunter Foster.

Jonathan Groff

Obviously, the Groffles is lovely everyday and twice on sunday. But you know what else...he has a reputation for being the nicest guy in the history of forever. I think it would be great to put your hands on his hardbody because he would be so kind and polite about it. I can just hear his silky-smooth voice saying, "...and once you are done caressing my pecs, feel free to stroke my abs and my junk; I am here for you." Considering he is basically one sweet, nice rainbow that has manifested into human form, why not put your hands on him? You know you want to. And we all know his return to Broadway is an imminent threat and a rejuvenation to ovaries everywhere.

Corey Mach

This is a no-brainer, as far as I am concerned. After all, Corey swings for several of the featured males in the show and could probably assume the role of Hardbody tomorrow. And getting naked doesn't seem to be much of a concern for him, and with his body, who can blame him? The cherry on top of the sundae is Corey's sparkly blue eyes, something no paint or wax job could ever reciprocate.

Nick Blaemire

Obscure choice, I know, but (1) I adore me some Nick and (2) he would probably be the most fun to have your hands on. Given that he has the energy and the charisma of the best clown you have ever seen, complete with a whole set of sound effects to rival Garage Band, he is like the live-action version of Tickle Me, Elmo. If you are going to sweat half of your bodyweight off and stay out in the desert sun for days, the nerd-swagger and noise generator that is Blaemire would provide all the entertaining motivation you would need.


Aaron Tveit

So wonderful is Aaron's body, you can practically talk about it like it is a car. Namely, one of his ass-ets; his trunk. I am not embellishing that it has gifs and a website devoted to it for days. And maybe because he is the Broadway dreamboat that looks just as good with his clothes off as much as they are on, he is definitely one sought-after prize. Like, the type of man you want to bring home to your family or your high-school reunion, just to flash him for all he's worth. Don't act like you wouldn't...you already have the 'his' and 'hers' (or 'his', amiright boys?!) shirts made for you both to wear on a stroll through the park. And by "stroll," I mean "ride on top of."

Nick Adams

I think we are well-past the point where Nick Adam's body puts the rest of the world to shame. Literally. He is carved to look like a museum statue and every day he does not Tilda Swinton himself in a public exhibition, is a day where he does not fulfill his obligations to mankind. We all know he loves to flaunt his stuff in interviews and for the entirety of his Priscilla Queen of the Desert run, so he is an obvious contender for the role of hardbody. If you look up 'hardbody' in the dictionary, I'm sure you would find a selfie of his abs alongside it.

Matt Doyle

Oh Matt! Scandalous!
Look, for all intensive purposes, I am sure Matt Doyle is fantastic in The Book of Mormon. But considering tickets cost an arm and a leg, I think the role of hardbody would be more accessible. And that is one of the qualities we love about Matt Doyle...when we can, you know, actually see him. Oh sure: we love the tease of the artistically nude, Instagrammed portrait of  "Oh what, this ol', showered body"...but c'mon, you want the real thing to shower with. And sing with. And be adorbs with. Basically, you want to be Ryan Steele and you are willing to outlast every bitch to make that happen. Because of course.


Photo Credit: TheCraptacular Flickr
Photo Credit: VixieDust11
Photo Credit: Matt Doyle's Twitter

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