Why Yes..."Trapped in the Closet" on Broadway MUST Happen

You guys...this:

"R. Kelly wants to bring "Trapped in the Closet" to Broadway.

The singer announced Monday night that he's had an offer to bring the characters and plotlines from the wacky and wildly popular video opera to the Great White Way, and he may even be in some performances."


I have a lot of feelings. Even more then Matilda or Kinky Boots, you know, the "high quality" musicals (okay, Kinky Boots, not so much probably), I want R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet to come to Broadway. We already got the luxury of new installments being aired on IFC (starting this Friday to be exact; I already have the chips and dip.). But a Broadway musical? With, like, actual people acting (or should I say, "acting") this cray cray nonsense out? SOLD bitches!

Here's what you need to know, some other random thoughts and why I will cut a bitch to make Trapped in the Closet come to fruition:

-- The series is...we'll call them "shorts." A bunch of videos released on DVD and then the Internet (went viral, obvi) just as that became a thing circa mid-2000s.

-- What are these videos about exactly? No one really knows. Exhibit A (also the first moment I fell in love):

WHAT. THE. EFF. The Rocky Horror Picture Show looks tame by comparison...and THAT'S saying something. Infidelity, sex, suspense, drama, R. Kelly overacting with his one droll facial expression, a beretta...all in just under four minutes. Just go with it; you don't really have a choice in that regard.

-- Oh, and why am I in love? This entire series is HI-FREAKING-LARIOUS, that's why. R. Kelly narrating a soap opera/melodrama, cursing left and right, the cliffhanger echo, the guttural sounds (or as the music industry calls it, "riffing")? Said soap opera making no goddam sense or following any sense of logic? Clearly, this is a gift that keeps on giving. And giving. And giving. And giving...still giving.

-- No really; we have 22 installments in total just like this. Because 1 or 5 or 12 wasn't enough apparently. And who am I to object...it's straight-up bonkers. But it's the seriousness that really takes it on home. Awesomely terrible, narm-ey, "so bad, it's good" entertainment is capable of garnering laughter beyond belief. Sometimes, even the best writing can't wring that out. Them's the breaks.

-- And just when you think the nonsense is about to subside, it doesn't...it gets weirder. How is that even possible? Oh, R. Kelly. And the comedic factor just never lets up, even after multiple viewings.

-- At New York Comic Con this past October, they staged a Rocky Horror-style showing of Trapped in the Closet - fake guns, spatulas (don't ask), sing-a-longs, the whole shebang. If When it comes to Broadway (please Universe, please), it should be staged like that. Because duh.

-- I feel bad for the actors that will perform this crap live on stage - they have their work cut out for them to remain in character and be patient. Because the audience is going to laugh after nearly EVERY SINGLE LINE. It's going to take days to get through one run-through.

Photo Credit: Trapped in the Closet via PopGush.com
Video Credit: RKellyVEVO

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