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8/19/12

3 Olympians Who Should Take to the Broadway Stage

There was something that was on the TV for a few weeks this summer - I think it was the Olympics or something – and being that I could not care any less about them, the whole thing went right over my head. Pretty much, all I saw was the big finish complete with Spice Girls campiness and Annie Lennox serving up style realness.

But now that the Olympics are over and before the athletes start gearing up for the next set of games (if they haven’t already), we should stash them on a Broadway stage somewhere and have them entertain us. I mean, sure, they could go back to their regular lifestyles of training and eating and training and eating. Did I mention that all Olympians with their flawless physiques love to eat? Bitches.

But yes, Broadway…I can’t be the only one to think that this is a genius idea. In fact, I am a firm believer that all problems can be solved by starring in a Broadway show. Global warming? Yes Mr. President, you should star in a Broadway show. Oh, your husband left you? Try Broadway, Ms. Divorcee. That gunshot wound got you down in the dumps? Broadway awaits you! Isn’t that Chlamydia a bitch ma’am? Broadway has a home for you too, sister.

Now, I can really only identify a few Olympians because (1) he or she is insanely popular or (2) he or she has become famous thanks to viral Internet memes. That is good enough for me…hit it hotties with bodies!

McKayla Maroney (US Women's Gymnastics Team)


Okay, I have to be honest…I don’t think I have ever loved someone so much whom I know nothing about. Seriously, this girl could be a chef for all I know. But thanks to a genius Tumblr account – seriously, that girl or guy is allowed to have smart idea sex for the rest of his or her life – I diva worship this girl in a fabulous meme kind of way.

Maroney can take her scowl right to the Tonys podium as Natalie in a Next to Normal revival. Or Benjamin Barker in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, lack of male junk aside. Heck, she could have been cast in the Evita revival as herself just to scowl at Elena Roger and Ricky Martin…aside from walking off with the show, she would have met her match with the always awesome and fierce-face giving Michael Cerveris. That calls for premium seats, y’all…


Ryan Lochte (US Men's Swimming Team)


So, we all like Ryan Loche because…oh, wait; we don’t. Well, we kind of do as long as he doesn’t open his mouth or let his actual personality come through. Eww, get that away from me. Because Lochte is so much of a dousche that it is a whole lot easier to forget that (1) he is part-dolphin in the pool and (2) you want to ride him until you physically can’t anymore. But you know a place that runs rampant with dousches? Broadway. Roll call…Link Larkin, Fiyero, Billy Flynn, Joseph Cantwell from The Best Man...and that took all, but three seconds of thought. 

A pie chart of every male character to ever take the stage would reveal that over 60% of them are either “full-blown dicks who will never change” or “evil, narcissistic bastard that eventually grows to love the fat, downtrodden or ugly chick because he is written that way and that is something that would almost never happen in the real world.” Basically, Broadway is the mothership that is calling Ryan Lochte home. I’d rather not see him anytime soon unless he is muzzled and stands still, but with how much testosterone and gangster flavor flowing through him, the upcoming revival of Glengarry Glen Ross would benefit by having another guy’s guy in the junk-measuring contest that is the show. Al Pacino, Jeremy Shamos, Bobby Cannavale, Ryan Lochte…that would make for an interesting poster.


Tom Daley (Great Britain Men's Diving)

One search of the Internet reveals that Tom Daley has an unprecedented level of fame. You know why? You guessed it! It’s his…


…Intelligence. I mean, what else could it be? He authored a book apparently, so therefore, he has smarts. When you pair his physique with his SUPER-thick British accent, you realize he is like the even more British version of Richard Fleeshman…and who thought THAT would ever be possible. But out of anyone else here, Daley could make a Broadway stint actually work. I give you Exhibit A…


Sorry, I lost my train of thought – what were we talking about again?

Oh, right. Well, he is comfortable wearing a speedo on worldwide television or while doing a striptease and lipsync/crazy dancing to a “Sexy and I Know It” viral video. If only there was a Broadway role where all he had to do was have abs, be scantily clad, sport a tan, not talk or sing often, emote a clueless and effortless sex appeal and kind-of dance.




Put Daley in a blonde wig and try to unsee it…I dare you. Casting people? You can have that one for free.


Photo Credit: Julie Jacobson/AP Images
Photo Credit: Fabrice Coffrini/Getty Images
Photo Credit: Dan Kitwood/Getty Images Europe
Video Credit: TomDaleyTV
Photo Credit: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

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