Glee 3x18 "Choke"

I am gearing up for a theater heaven weekend (Caroline is coming into town y’all), but we can’t let this past Glee episode go by without comment now, right? Especially because, like last week, there were moments worth cheering about. If there is one thing that the show has righted since the horrendous disco episode, it is having plot points that are not completely throwaways.

Oh wait…never mind. This was, quite literally, one of the most awkward and heavy-handed plots in the history of the show. Acting aside (because Dot Marie Jones is really good in her role), this should have no place in the show – not to mention, I can’t even remember when the last time Coach Bieste and Cooter were even together on camera. This really does mark a departure from the days the show would provide entertainment with any sort of social theme or paradigm included with subtlety (yes, Glee has actually done that before). Leave it to Caroline for the best commentary of the night:

Caroline: Do you think they were high when they thought this episode up?
Caroline: *Puff Puff* Oh man, what if we totally had her Cooter beating her *Puff Puff*
Caroline: Man, that would be soooooo ironic. Since we named him after a vagina *Puff Puff*
Caroline: This is why we can't have nice things.

Here it is lovelies: here is why we can move past (or at least try to) the horrible direction the show lapses into. Watching an uncommonly talented group of “students” tear up a number to provide entertainment in a way that, Smash aside, no other show even attempts to do. The “Cell Block Tango” was fabulous even with a third of the murderesses gone and the number edited down (I am pretending not to see images of an angry Cooter). It won’t make me forget the film version, which is seven minutes of cinema flawlessness, but they did the number justice.

For me, the Rachel/Kurt audition storyline had far more going for the show. Not just because it was a season long plot point that can be played straight (compared to the parody of itself that the show has become), but mainly because…well, payoffs mean something considering how long we all have bared with the show.

But before we get to the single greatest moment in my life, let’s address…another moment of joy leading up to the single greatest moment in my life.

A longtime Phantom fan, I appreciate this version of “Music of the Night” so much. Even for the uninitiated that don’t know that this is a seduction song, the number still worked on how freaking hysterical it is staged. The over-the-topness, the candles and smoke machine, Jenna Ushkowitz keeping her SAG card for another week having something to do…and Chris sang the song adorably, which only reinforced how it would be a poor choice for an audition. The perfect setup…to this:

I have been wanting to write about this song for days now, but there are so many feelings and emotions, that I can’t even…Here is what tends to happen; we will call this, the complete NRNW guide to coping with Chris Colfer’s fabulosity in the aftermath of a classic The Boy From Oz number (and one of my all-time favorites).

  1. Make some attempt to write about how Chris broke my brain with a performance so perfectly fanservice-y because it was such a believable Kurt moment and a cathartic moment for him.
  2. Treasure the moment that Glee, for once, did not mess this up.
  3. Pull up a clip on YouTube to relive the glory…hit “Play.”
  4. Cheer on as the opening notes to “Not The Boy Next Door” begin.
  5. Start applauding at the hilarious and shocking moment when he rips off the tear-away clothes, wondering why (for not long, mind you) he has an entire costume change and, like, three layers of clothes on.
  6. Actually process the fact that CHRIS COLFER is wearing GOLD LAME PANTS.
  7. Suppress an orgasm so you don’t have to explain to your parents in the next room why CHRIS COLFER wearing GOLD LAME PANTS provokes a sexual reaction.
  8. Continue cheering as Chris, wearing GOLD LAME PANTS, continues to NAIL the number by sashaying all over the stage.
  9. Secretly began wishing I am the piano that once had CHRIS COLFER's GOLD LAME PANTS all over it.
  10. Suppress another orgasm…man, those things just keep popping up.
  11. Try taking my eyes off of CHRIS COLFER wearing GOLD LAME PANTS to focus on the fact that his voice is spot-on perfection for the song.
  12. Start shimmying in place wondering if I even have a quarter of the star power Chris has…I, in fact, do not.
  13. Stand up and practice pelvic thrusting and hip grinding, hoping that this will be helpful some day for some reason. Pat myself on the back that all my dance training has led to some good fluidity in my movement.
  14. Cry copious amounts of tears…because it is such a beautiful and upbeat moment and Kurt Hummel looks like he is having the time of his life. As am I…
  15. Cry even more when the performance ends on a killer high note…treasuring the final moments of CHRIS COLFER dancing while wearing GOLD LAME PANTS.
  16. Go on Tumblr and search the ‘Chris Colfer’ tag…because that is what you do if you want to indulge some more – cue Tumblr!
  17. Enjoy all the fanboy and fangirlgasms, the GIFs and photosets of the performance, the comments of Chris’ GOLD LAME PANTS, which include, but are not limited to, “tight,” “bulging,” “junk revealing” and “fabulous.”
  18. Not-so-secretly wanting a pair of gold lame pants myself, Google search and web browse to see if I can acquire my own pair. Because I will wear them at some unspecified time and place, rest assured.
  19. Weep that some Glee-branded, Chris Colfer-approved gold lame pants do not exist and that I would invest in a pair if the right one came along. Think for a second if the “right” pair of gold lame pants actually exists.
  20. Console myself that the day will come soon.
  21. Repeat steps 3 – 20…for another hour. Or three.
Hello Boys! And Blaine!
I think that just about covers it all. And isn’t it a nice reminder of what the show could be churning out on a daily basis if they were not hitting up heavy drugs in the writing room? The rest of the episode did not even register for me as I was fanning myself and alerting medical post-CHRIS COLFER wearing GOLD LAME PANTS. Rachel botches up her audition – a wonderful plot point – and everything else just…enh whatever. Hit it, other musical numbers!

I kind loved this performance, largely because the show has stepped away from Lea Michele’s closing ballads that once dominated the show. It is a shame they already had her sing “What I Did for Love” from A Chorus Line last season, because that song would have been perfect here and fit in nicely with the Broadway playbook the episode had.

Solid. Mark Salling did a nice riff on Alice Cooper and the choir room number was a lot of fun.

A pretty and well-sung song wasted on a horribly preachy plot line. By the way, it is utter BS and self-defeating that Bieste went back to Cooter in the end. So it goes…

Look, there is little to excite me about watching a show when we are spoonfed a half of an episode of a horrible plotline in the face of some superb musical performances. The rest of the season and the pending next season are whatever, but let’s celebrate the fact that Chris Colfer lifted the show (and my man parts) out of its current state to blow me away. Oh, and Caroline and I are team Jenna Ushkowitz.

NRNW: Jenna has two solos.
NRNW: Get it girl!
Caroline: It's like she works here!

There were also some funny lines and some sweet moments, and this episode at least made writing about the show, amidst Tony Time occupying a lot of my thought space, somewhat of a pleasure.

Photo Credit: Glee/FOX
Screengrab Credit: NRNW
Video Credits: GleeOnFOX and GleeFullPerformances

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